I was working on another post, my first actual science-based one, on consciousness, but I made the important decision to make this one first.
I've just been crying and I felt the need to talk about my human existence a bit more.
My miserable evening started when I tried really hard to feel what was 'real' inside of me.
I know it's a common struggle in this strange world for people to know who they 'truly are' and travel on a journey of 'self discovery'. I put these words in inverted commas because I have a lot of doubt inside of me that this can ever be achieved, for if we are merely moving, impermanent energy, then a sense of separate self at all must surely be an illusion, but I believe that to be a discussion for another time.
I've recently come out of a relationship in which looking back, I was warping myself into a different person, a different energy in which I thrived and took great joy out of. I knew I wasn't 'myself'. Experiencing these emotions again just now, of who I felt I was in that relationship, how my personality shifted in ways that I felt so amazing in, as soon as I let these feelings go, that's when I started crying because I felt so empty with who I 'actually' was. Reading 'Becoming Supernatural' by Dr Joe Dispenza, he makes it clear (and this definitely resonates with me) how who we think we are is a complete illusion, how we identify ourselves with past experiences and create false delusions surrounding who we are. When actually all we are is consciousness and so thoughts trick us into thinking we are things that we aren't, and if we are to identify with anything, it should be the awareness of the present. And oh, I'm getting into the discussion too deeply!
I'm finding it hard on the internet and social media because I want to use this blog as a way of trying to find clarity and expressing my 'true' self, but I have no idea how to do it and when I end up thinking that I know how or have done, I either feel this incredible weight of sadness that I could never have illusion in my life to become someone else and feel amazing things, become different people and feel wonderful new energies (I know that might not make complete sense because what I've experienced is probably different and unusual (though I hope not, I'd love to share experiences)) or I feel the sadness in the same way because I deeply hate who I actually am and don't like myself at all. Wow that just hit me hard.
I just felt like I wanted to say this here because if in this blog I want to be 'truthful to myself' and not illusive, I should start by this truth, how I'm struggling with it so much in the first place! I'm struggling a lot at the moment anyway and there's no shame in that. But I wanted to be open and honest when thinking about this world. I've been going through radical changes in the way I approach life and the way I think and I think this blog will be good for me in just getting some ideas down and reaching people who feel the same as me. As I feel the people currently in my life, friends and family, as loving as they are towards me, don't understand what I'm going through, and don't share the same views or possible paths I want to take whilst I'm a human being on this precious earth.
Also as a big side note, I want to come away from the labels of 'science', 'spirituality', 'maths', 'truth' etc... and just put all of these words and human constructions to one side, to just feel what IS. Too many clouds of distortion surrounding how we think and WHY we think. Our brains are so amazing but goodness, they are a nuisance sometimes...
I'll be posting on consciousness on Monday 27th July, so stay tuned if you're interested on discussing that one. Also thank you for reading and feeling my frequency :)
