Okay, today, in June of 2020, in the mist of the lockdown chaos, I am going to start this blog. I am going to voice all my thoughts and navigate myself around ideas that are deeply rooted within all of us. Ideas that I am still uncertain of whether I want to study at university, but nevertheless is a part of who I am, who we all are, and I feel something strong inside of me that wants to explore. I want to learn. One of my biggest inspirations, Richard Feynman, always said to be sceptical of what you hear, to work things out for yourself, and I want to do that. I want to really question everything that enters my mind from external sources; books, media, people. I want to work from the bottom up by pinpointing fluctuating thoughts and think about them deeply, learning from others and finding proof that this is the truth; if there is one answer.
You might see a common spiritual theme appear throughout my writing, and this is because I am currently very intrigued and inspired by a lot of concepts in Buddhism, and feel underlying truths resonating with me as I discover more. I don't consider myself a follower of any religion, and at this phase in my life I don't wish to categorise myself with any labels, even if I may do so in the future, because I feel this creates delusional barriers of judgement; essences surrounding who I am as a human that warps my existence to even my own eyes. No. Right now, I don't want to think of myself as spiritual or a scientist or a philosopher or on a journey or anything. I simply want to be a conscious mind; thinking. Thinking about anything that resonates with me, or enters my life in a way in which I would like to discuss.
I feel when I try to communicate what I'm thinking or what I 'believe' in, it becomes extremely unclear and warped as I try to express myself. Despite what others might think of me, I know I don't have 'strong' opinions on things and that used to get to me a lot, because you think of 'strong women' with stating their views as they have them, and having powerful and strong opinions on things. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that this could very possibly be a massive illusion. Why do I feel the need for this? If I was to take the ideas from 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle (an amazing read by the way), I would claim it to be my ego, the identification I have with my ego and the need I have to fulfil the 'sense of self' gap I have within me with delusional stories fed from the outside world. Fed by people perceiving me in certain angles I want them to, to 'reward' my brain in a way, to project an image of strength, self-confidence and a particular personality to further intensify the image I want to be, and am identified with. The Evolutionary psychologist, Robert Wright, in his book 'Why Buddhism is True' (another great read), emphasises natural selection, which really does resonate with me. Darwinian science seems to have the answer to all! He talks about how natural selection doesn't care for our happiness and just needs genes spread (though emphasising there is no 'intelligence' behind it). So natural selection is the cause of my deep need (sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious) to be a strong individual with my head screwed on and having clear opinions on matters. To impress mates, to be high up in social status, through respect and admiration. Has anyone else encountered these feelings?
But every time I do end up expressing a view or idea, as blurred as it comes out, I feel a sense of rejection and misunderstanding. Especially with my mum recently. But it's more than that. That essence and cloud of perception and judgment that surrounds every thing a conscious being perceives that I talked about above, I feel extremely warped around me as I communicate with another conscious being. I know labels and subjective categories are getting mixed up with the 'objective' idea (usually spiritual) I'm trying to convey and it becomes painful to discuss. I know I'm a sensitive and socially-anxious person as it is, so those traits in my mind are obviously coming into play here but I just feel like something is not quite right! Same goes with my friends. One of my friends said to me the other day that they can sit and listen to what I have to say on this stuff but that's it. Looking back I don't know whether she was referring to whether they don't 'believe' in 'spirituality' (which is a reason why I can't deal with labels right now...), whether they have different views on other things or whether they just don't care for the matter!
So I guess that's a big part of why I'm doing this blog, to find people to talk to about all of this. I want a platform where I can learn. I don't know if anyone will take interest and communicate, but I need this place where I can form by own ideas and views and be questioned on everything. Because I'm sick of the blurry line between doing things and being someone for the social aspects (what I discussed above - from the source of my false sense-of-self) and really letting go of who I am, leaving my ego and identity at the door and rolling my sleeves up to really god damn think about the universe. To think about everything and start from the bottom upwards. The plan of action at the moment is to pinpoint ideas that resonate with me and what I'm currently pondering over. I'll probably discuss a lot of books as well within each section; if anyone has any recommendations now or at any point please share!
Well... that's me at the moment. My current state of existence with regards to this blog in a nutshell. As I said, I've never done this before and am wondering whether people will actually find this blog and take interest, but I do hope so, because I want to learn so much and have so many ideas to share.
